As a surrogate you just never know how people are going to respond. Sometimes you are greeted with all things positive, sometime you receive question after question, others just look at you like you are absolutely bat shit crazy and well some just simply have nothing to say. I am a pretty open person. I always have been that way. Growing up in foster care I always found it easier to talk about it and share my experiences and life with others. It was my way of processing and coping and it really worked for me. My siblings I don't think were as comfortable sharing. Surrogacy has been the same for me. I enjoy talking about it and sharing our journey as often as I can, although I will be honest sometimes I am just not in the mood for all the questions that follow so there have been times when I just don't explain. For example, last night my family and I were out to dinner for my birthday. My littlest love had to use the restroom for what felt like the 14th time. While in the restroom an older woman congratulated me on my pregnancy and asked how old K was and if I had any others. I explained that she would be 3 next month and that I had a 6 year old as well. The woman proceeded to say that her daughter has an almost two year old and was due in October with her second. The woman simply was curious to know what the age difference would look like, how difficult it would be etc. She gave her best wishes for adjusting to 3 kids and I thanked her and went on my way. At that moment in time I was sick of being in the restroom, was hungry and wanted to get back to my food and was not ready for the questions when I explained that I did not need to transition from 2 to 3. Sometimes it is just easier to say thank you and be on your way when congratulated out in public. Sometimes I feel guilty responding like this as if I am lying. I hate feeling like I am not being honest, ut truly don't always have the time (or the patience) to get into it any further.
I have experienced quite a few questions and these are some of the most popular...
One of the main questions I get when people learn that I am a surrogate is "Well, won't it be difficult to give the baby away?" Honestly this question is a little irritating. I get it, it is hard for some to fathom carrying a child for someone else...it truly isn't for everyone. The way I look at it is, this baby was NEVER mine. He is not a product of me or my husband. Many assume that since I am carrying for a same sex couple that the egg used to make this baby is mine. It is not. They used an egg donor and this baby was always his parents. I am not giving up anything because it was never mine to give up in the first place. I am simply helping them do something that they are physically unable to do and then returning him to his loving, always present parents. This is usually followed up with "But don't you feel connected to this baby? After all you are growing him and feeling his movements, etc. Won't you feel like he is yours" Well, yes I do feel connected to him and I love feelings his movements and watching him grow, but no I do not feel like he is mine. The way I look at it is the way I love my nieces, nephews, best friends kiddos and godchildren. I would do anything for any and all of them. I will be fully invested in all their life's endeavors, spoil them rotten, love them unconditionally and always be there for them. Same goes for this little man. He is family to me. He will always share a piece of my heart as many special little's do, but it is slightly different then the motherly instinct and love that I have for my girls.
Another question I have gotten is "Why don't they just adopt?" I don't know. Why didn't you? I mean I guess because some people want to see their legacy and family history continue. I am not saying that adoption isn't a wonderful thing and I know that it blesses many many families, but again just like being a surrogate isn't for everyone, adoption may not be for everyone either. Everyone has their own motivations and reasons for making the choices that they do and it is sad that some people feel the need to have such strong opinions on other peoples decisions. Families are families no matter how they come together and love is love. I've also been asked "How can you support a gay couple having a child?" Ummm...really?!?! Are you serious? Like what year is this? Can't we all just love and support each other? When talking about this journey with my oldest daughter (before we got everything going) I was explaining to her how many families are made up differently. She has had a little exposure to same sex couples and had never questioned it (funny how kids just accept things like that), but when we were officially matched with the guys we talked about how I would carry their baby for them because they physically could not. Her response was "mom that is so wonderful for you to do and that baby will be so lucky to have 2 dads because dads are so fun!" My husband was asked "Don't you think that kid will grow up to be messed up being in a family like that?" Ugh! Why do people even think that is ok to say? He simply responded with "No, I absolutely do not" and walked away.
There have been a handful of questions like "What does your husband think?" or "Doesn't your husband mind that you are carrying someone else's baby?" even a "Wow! I'm surprised your husband LET you do that." Honestly he had a few questions and concerns at the beginning. More so the logistics of things and how it all worked and the risks of going through a journey like this, but he was ALWAYS and still is ALWAYS 100% supportive. He has never told me I could not do something (except for maybe adopt another kitten or something silly like that). He is such a supportive and loving husband and knew just how much being a surrogate meant to me that he always encouraged me to follow my dreams. To be honest, I almost applied nearly a year before I actually did, but never submitted it because I wasn't sure if the timing was right. He simply said...you will know when it is right and when it is go for it. 8 months later I on a whim filled out the application and submitted it and then texted him saying "I just did something." He thought I made some crazy expensive splurge of a purchase or crashed the car or something, but when I told him what I actually did he was not surprised or mad about it at all. He was supportive and excited for me. With that said, Ian is quite the jokester so he has fun with it at times now by saying things like "oh I'm not the father" when someone congratulates us or he has said things like "I should be able to get a boat since you are carrying another mans baby" lol
I've had comments made like "You must be getting rich!" or "You must get paid a lot to carry that baby!" and while yes surrogates are compensated we are far from rich because of it. In general I feel like it is rude to even make a statement like this or ask the question of how much you make having a baby for someone. I don't ask you what your salary is or question your religious beliefs etc. why make a statement like that? I'm not going to go into detail about compensation because honestly every surrogates journey, experiences and contract is different. A simple google search can give you a ball figure amount if your really curious, but to be honest, can you put a fair dollar amount on daily injections of hormones to prep your body, weight gain, many transvaginal ultrasounds, nausea and vommiting, the feeling of a baby pressing on your lungs making it difficult to breathe, constant heart burn, cankles, constant feeling of having to pee, inability to sleep comfortably, oh and then delivering a baby out of your vagina all for someone else?!?! You definitely do not go into this for the money. Just saying!
My girls have surprised me with the next set of questions... while out they have been asked "Oh you must be so excited to be a big sister?" or after learning that I am carrying a boy they get asked "Are you ready to meet your brother?" To which the B always responds oh he isn't my brother...my mom is a surrogate. Or K will say that baby isn't our baby. The looks on people's faces is absolutely priceless and of course they either don't know what to say after that or have 100 more questions. I have been asked "Don't you think this will confuse your kids?" or "What do your kids think about it?" I absolutely do not think that my children are or will be confused. From day one they have known that Mac is not our baby. We all love him and can not wait to meet him and hold him, but both girls know that once Little Mac is here he will go home with his daddies. K talks about it all the time how Baby Mac is the guys baby (she specifically calls them by name) and will tell anyone and everyone that she is excited for them to come back and get their baby. B has written in her journal that I am a surrogate and has told me how she is proud of me and is glad that we can do this for the guys. I really think that including them from the very beginning and them skyping wih the guys and getting to know them alongside Ian and I has really helped their excitement and understanding of the process. They have made some sacrifices over the last almost year for me to be able to do what I am doing and I am forever grateful that they are understanding and right there next to me supporting me.
Beyond those more serious questions we have had some funny moments... some off the top of my head are
* While at gymnastics a dad of one of the girls in B's class had overheard that I was pregnant and said congrats to which I replied oh thanks, but it isn't mine. He slowly lowered his head to look back at his phone unsure of what to say next.
*Ian being congratulated on another baby only for him to respond with "yeah, I'm not the father" awkward!!!
*Cashier at the store seeing me purchase baby boy clothing (clearly pregnant) with both of my girls in tow... "Congrats on getting that boy!" to which I replied "Thanks, but we aren't keeping him." Her jaw nearly hit the floor. I didn't realize just how bad it came out and I quickly explained the situation to which she was relieved and said just how awesome it was that I could do this for them.
*I was having a particularly rough day one day and a woman asked me when I was due and what I was having and I told her to which she said "you're husband must be excited it's a boy" to which I responded with "yeah it isn't his" and then just walked away. God only knows what she must have thought of me!
I really should have written down all of the funny things because now I am struggling to think of them, but just know whether intentional or not we have had some fun with it. Also, the majority of the people that I have spoken with has been VERY supportive and only had kind things to say. The few wack a doos that made odd statements or asked inappropriate questions can not take away from the many that did not. Well, it's late so prego is going to head to bed. Until next time friends!
